To Mary (Goldhawk/Vazeille) Wesley (November 24, 1759)

180You have been much upon my thoughts this morning. Shall I tell you what I thought? Then take it

What do you gain by keeping my papers, or at least think you gain? Why, this: you gain the satisfaction of showing them, or parts of them, to others; you gain the power of justifying yourself, and of hurting (at least by vexing) me; you gain occasion to make people think ill of me, and to make them think well of you. And hereby you make yourself more friends and me more enemies.

Very well. But are you quite sure of this? Is it pure satisfaction which you gain by showing them? Is there not often a doubt whether you do right, a secret misgiving which spoils the satisfaction? Will the showing them justify you for taking them? Is it not rather adding sin to sin? And will not even men of the world say, 'What a wretch is this, first to rob, then to expose her own husband'? If, therefore, you make them think ill of me, you do not make them think well of yourself. If you make me more enemies, you do not make yourself one more friend. Nay, all these after a time are less your friends than ever they were before.

But what if you did gain by it all that you suppose, would it make amends for what you lose thereby? You totally lose my esteem, you violently shock my love, you quite destroy my confidence. You oblige me to lock up everything as from a thief; to stand continually upon my guard, to watch all the time you are near me, as never knowing what you may steal next and expose to all the world. You cut yourself off from joint prayer. For how can I pray with one that is daily watching to do me hurt? You cut yourself off from all friendly intercourse with many who would otherwise rejoice to converse with and serve you. You rob yourself of many precious opportunities of public prayer and attending the Lord’s Table.

Now, how dearly must you love justifying yourself and blackening me, if you will do it at this expense?181

O Molly, throw the fire out of your bosom! Shun as you would a serpent those that stir it up. And see in a true light,