Sermon 95: On the Education of Children

11. We must not imagine that these words are to be understood in an absolute sense, as if no child that had been trained up in the way wherein he should go had ever departed from it. Matter of fact will by no means agree with this. So far from it that it has been a common observation, ‘some of the best parents have had the 03:348worst children.’ It is true this might sometimes be the case because good men have not always a good understanding. And without this it is hardly to be expected that they will know how to train up their children. Besides, those who are in other respects good men have often too much easiness of temper; so that they go no farther in restraining their children from evil than old Eli did, when he said gently, ‘Nay, my sons, the report I hear of you is not good.’

22. The words, therefore, must be understood with some limitation, and then they contain an unquestionable truth. It is a general though not an universal promise, and many have found the happy accomplishment of it. As this is the most probable method for making their children pious which any parents can take, so it generally, although not always, meets with the desired success. The God of their fathers is with their children; he blesses their endeavours; and they have the satisfaction of leaving their religion, as well as their worldly substance, to those that descend from them.

33. But what is ‘the way wherein a child should go’? And how shall we ‘train him up’ therein? The ground of this is admirably laid down by Mr. Law in his Serious Call to a Devout Life. Part of his words are:

44. Let it be carefully remembered all this time that God, not man, is the Physician of souls; that it is he, and none else, who ‘giveth medicine to heal’ our natural ‘sickness’;

55. This being premised, in order to see distinctly what is the way wherein we should train up a child, let us consider, What are the diseases of his nature? What are those spiritual diseases which everyone that is born of a woman brings with him into the world?

Is not the first of these atheism? After all that has been so plausibly written concerning ‘the innate idea of God’;

66. Indeed, it may be said that every man is by nature, as it were, his own god. He worships himself. He is, in his own conception, absolute Lord of himself. Dryden’s hero speaks only according to nature when he says, ‘Myself am king of me.’

77. Another evil disease which every human soul brings into the world with him is pride—a continual proneness to think of himself more highly than he ought to think.

88. The next disease natural to every human soul, born with every man, is love of the world. Every man is by nature a lover of the 03:351creature instead of the Creator;

99. Whether this be a natural disease or not, it is certain anger is. The ancient philosopher defines it, ‘a sense of injury received, with a desire of revenge’.

1010. A deviation from truth is equally natural to all the children of men. One said in his haste, ‘All men are liars’;

1111. Everyone is likewise prone by nature to speak or act contrary to justice. This is another of the diseases which we bring with us into the world. All human creatures are naturally partial to themselves, and when opportunity offers have more regard to their own interest or pleasure than strict justice allows. Neither is any man by nature merciful as our heavenly Father is merciful;

1212. Now if these are the general diseases of human nature, is it not the grand end of education to cure them? And is it not the part of all those to whom God has entrusted the education of children to take all possible care, first, not to increase, not to feed any of these diseases (as the generality of parents constantly do), and next, to use every possible means of healing them?

1313. To come to particulars. What can parents do, and mothers more especially, to whose care our children are necessarily committed in their tender years, with regard to the atheism that is natural to all the children of men? How is this fed by the generality of parents, even those that love, or at least, fear God, while in spending hours, perhaps days, with their children, they hardly name the name of God? Meantime they talk of a thousand other things in the world that is round about them. Will not then the things of the present world, which surround these children on every side, naturally take up their thoughts, and set God at a greater distance from them (if that be possible) than he was before? Do not parents feed the atheism of their children farther by ascribing the works of creation to nature? Does not the common way of talking about nature leave God quite out of the question? Do they not feed this disease whenever they talk in the hearing of their children of anything happening so or so? Of things coming by chance? Of good or ill fortune? As also when they ascribe this or that event to the wisdom or power of men; or indeed to any other second causes, as if these governed the world? Yea, do they not feed it unawares while they are talking of their own wisdom or goodness, or power to do this or that, without expressly 03:353mentioning that all these are the gift of God? All this tends to confirm the atheism of their children, and to keep God out of their thoughts.

1414. But we are by no means clear of their blood if we only go thus far, if we barely do not feed their disease. What can be done to cure it? From the first dawn of reason continually inculcate, God is in this and every place. God made you, and me, and the earth, and the sun, and the moon, and everything. And everything is his: heaven and earth and all that is therein.

1515. Thus may we counteract, and, by the grace of God assisting us, gradually cure the natural atheism of our children. But what can we do to cure their self-will? It is equally rooted in their nature, and is indeed the original idolatry, which is not confined to one age or country, but is common to all the nations under heaven. And how few parents are to be found even among Christians, even among them that truly fear God, who are not guilty in this matter? Who do not continually feed and increase this grievous distemper in their children? To let them have their own will does this most effectually. To let them take their own way is the sure method of increasing their self-will sevenfold. But who has the resolution to do otherwise? One parent in a hundred? Who can be so singular, so cruel, as not more or less to humour her child? ‘And why should you not? What harm can there be in this, which everybody does?’ The harm is that it strengthens their 03:354will more and more, till it will neither bow to God nor man. To humour children is, as far as in us lies, to make their disease incurable. A wise parent, on the other hand, should begin to break their will the first moment it appears.

1616. If you are not willing to lose all the labour you have been at, to break the will of your child, to bring his will into subjection to yours that it may be afterward subject to the will of God, there is one advice which, though little known, should be particularly attended to. It may seem a small circumstance; but it is of more consequence than one can easily imagine. It is this: never, on any account, give a child anything that it cries for. For it is a true observation (and you may make the experiment as often as you please), if you give a child what he cries for you pay him for crying; and then he will certainly cry again. ‘But if I do not give it to him when he cries, he will scream all day long.’ If he does it is your own fault; for it is in your power effectually to prevent it. For no mother need suffer a child to cry aloud after it is a year old. ‘Why, it is impossible to hinder it.’ So many suppose; but it is an entire mistake. I am a witness of the direct contrary; and so are many others. My own mother had ten children, each of whom had spirit enough.

17[17.] It is hard to say whether self-will or pride be the more fatal distemper. It was chiefly pride that threw down so many of the stars of heaven and turned angels into devils.

First, beware of adding fuel to the flame, of feeding the disease which you should cure. Almost all parents are guilty of doing this by praising their children to their face. If you are sensible of the folly and cruelty of this, see that you sacredly abstain from it. And in spite of either fear or complaisance, go one step farther. Not only do not encourage, but do not suffer others to do what you dare not do yourself. How few parents are sufficiently aware of this! Or at least sufficiently resolute to practise it! To check everyone, at the first word, that would praise them before their face. Even those who would not on any account ‘sit attentive to their own applause’,

1818. If, on the contrary, you desire without loss of time to strike at the root of their pride, teach your children as soon as possibly you can that they are fallen spirits; that they are fallen short of that glorious image of God wherein they were at first created; that they are not now, as they were once, incorruptible pictures of the God of glory; bearing the express likeness of the wise, the good, the holy Father of spirits; but more ignorant, more foolish, and more wicked, than they can possibly conceive. Show them that in pride, passion, and revenge, they are now like the devil. And that in foolish desires and grovelling appetites they are like the beasts of the field. Watch over them diligently in this respect, that whenever occasion offers you may ‘pride in its earliest motions find’,

If you ask, ‘But how shall I encourage them when they do well, if I am never to commend them?’ I answer, I did not affirm this. I did not say, ‘You are never to commend them.’ I know many writers assert this, and writers of eminent piety. They say, to commend man is to rob God, and therefore condemn it altogether. But what say the Scriptures? I read there that our Lord himself frequently commended his own disciples; and the great Apostle scruples not to commend the Corinthians, Philippians, and divers others to whom he writes. We may not therefore condemn this altogether. But I say, use it exceeding sparingly. And when you use it let it be with the utmost caution, directing them at the same moment to look upon all they have as the free gift of God, and with the deepest self-abasement to say, ‘Not unto us! Not unto us! But unto thy name give the praise!’

1919. Next to self-will and pride, the most fatal disease with which we are born is love of the world. But how studiously do the generality of parents cherish this in its several branches! They 03:357cherish ‘the desire of the flesh’,

get money honestly if you can; but if not, get money. And they are carefully taught to look on riches and honour as the reward of all their labours.

2020. In direct opposition to all this, a wise and truly kind parent will take the utmost care not to cherish in her children the desire of the flesh, their natural propensity to seek happiness in gratifying the outward senses. With this view she will suffer them 03:358to taste no food but milk till they are weaned (which a thousand experiments show is most safely and easily done at the end of the seventh month). And then accustom them to the most simple food, chiefly of vegetables. She may inure them to taste only one food, beside bread, at dinner, and constantly to breakfast and sup on milk, either cold or heated, but not boiled. She may use them to sit by her at meals and ask for nothing, but take what is given them. She need never, till they are at least nine or ten years old, let them know the taste of tea, or use any other drink at meals but water or small beer. And they will never desire to taste either meat or drink between meals if not accustomed thereto. If fruit, comfits, or anything of the kind be given them, let them not touch it but at meals. And never propose any of these as a reward; but teach them to look higher than this.

But herein a difficulty will arise which it will need much resolution to conquer. Your servants, who will not understand your plan, will be continually giving little things to your children, and thereby undoing all your work. This you must prevent, if possible, by warning them when they first come into your house, and repeating the warning from time to time. If they will do it notwithstanding, you must turn them away. Better lose a good servant than spoil a good child.

Possibly you may have another difficulty to encounter, and one of a still more trying nature. Your mother, or your husband’s mother, may live with you; and you will do well to show her all possible respect. But let her on no account have the least share in the management of your children. She would undo all that you had done; she would give them their own will in all things. She would humour them to the destruction of their souls, if not of their bodies too. In fourscore years I have not met with one woman that knew how to manage grandchildren. My own mother, who governed her children so well, could never govern one grandchild. In every other point obey your mother. Give up your will to hers. But with regard to the management of your children, steadily keep the reins in your own hands.

2121. A wise and kind parent will be equally cautious of feeding ‘the desire of the eyes’ in her children. She will give them no pretty playthings, no glittering toys, shining buckles or buttons, fine or gay clothes; no needless ornaments of any kind; nothing that can attract the eye. Nor will she suffer any other person to give them what she will not give them herself. Anything of the 03:359kind that is offered may be either civilly refused, or received and laid by. If they are displeased at this, you cannot help it. Complaisance, yea, and temporal interest, must needs be set aside when the eternal interest of your children is at stake.

Your pains will be well requited if you can inspire them early with a contempt of all finery; and, on the other hand, with a love and esteem for neat plainness of dress. Teach them to associate the ideas of plainness and modesty; and those of a fine and a loose woman. Likewise instil into them as early as possible a fear and contempt of pomp and grandeur, an abhorrence and dread of the love of money, and a deep conviction that riches cannot give happiness.

2222. Again, the generality of parents feed anger in their children; yea, the worst part of it, that is, revenge. The silly mother says, ‘What hurt my child? Give me a blow for it.’ What horrid work is this! Will not the old murderer

2323. The generality of parents feed and increase the natural falsehood of their children. How often may we hear that senseless word: ‘No, it was not you; it was not my child that did it: say, it was the cat.’ What amazing folly is this! Do you feel no remorse while you are putting a lie in the mouth of your child, before it can speak plain? And do not you think it will make good proficiency when it comes to years of discretion? Others teach them both dissimulation and lying by their unreasonable severity; and yet others by admiring and applauding their ingenious lies and cunning tricks. Let the wise parent, on the contrary, teach them to ‘put away all lying’,

2424. Most parents increase the natural tendency to injustice in their children by conniving at their wronging each other, if not laughing at, or even applauding, their witty contrivances to cheat one another. Beware of everything of this kind; and from their very infancy sow the seeds of justice in their hearts, and train them up in the exactest practice of it. If possible, teach them the love of justice, and that in the least things as well as the greatest. Impress upon their mind the old proverb, ‘He that will steal a penny will steal a pound.’

2525. Many parents connive likewise at the ill nature of their children, and thereby strengthen it. But truly affectionate parents will not indulge them in any kind or degree of unmercifulness. They will not suffer them to vex their brothers or sisters either by word or deed. They will not allow them to hurt or give pain to anything that has life. They will not permit them to rob birds’ nests, much less to kill anything without necessity; not even snakes, which are as innocent as worms, or toads, which, notwithstanding their ugliness, and the ill name they lie under, have been proved over and over to be as harmless as flies. Let them extend in its measure the rule of doing as they would be done by to every animal whatsoever. Ye that are truly kind parents, in the morning, in the evening, and all the day beside, press upon all your children to ‘walk in love, as Christ also loved us, and gave himself for us’;

London, July 12, 1783